Saying that Father’s Day looks different for you now is the understatement of the year. Becoming a widower changes almost everything about your day and this day in particular has a way of bringing up an endless scroll of memories and emotions that can quickly rob you of the normal joys you should be experiencing.
Maybe it’s because your person is not here to help the kids write notes or buy you a gift. Maybe it’s because it’s another holiday without her here. Or maybe it’s because you have been crushing it at dad life and really stepping up to the endless roles of a solo parent and would give anything to hear her say she’s proud of you. But you have to settle for reminding yourself that she chose you and trusted you more than anyone else to be the one to raise your children…and she would without a doubt be proud of you!
Your first instinct may be to avoid being around other people as much as possible. you already know what I mean…the task of smiling and being steady around everyone can be exhausting. Because even though someone may flat out ask you how you’re doing, most people don’t do well with awkward and will try to keep the conversations light and focus their attention on helping with the kids...fixing their plates is a go to favorite, so let them. They are just trying to help.
You will take the obligatory picture with the kids. You will smile on the outside and hope the ache you are feeling on the inside doesn’t show too much. You will debate between keeping the caption simple when you post the picture to avoid adding another grief related item to your list for the day, or you may feel brave enough to try and explain to the world how you actually feel. Either way, it won’t do justice to your grief...it’s much too complex for a caption.
When you finally tuck the kids into bed at the end of the day and find your go-to chill spot (mine was laying on the couch because it didn’t feel as lonely as the bed) you will probably think to yourself...that was rough but I made it through.
The reality is, all of those emotions are normal and can actually be healthy because it means you’re not avoiding your reality. But in spite of how you may feel, it’s important to know that you are not the first or the last person to feel this way. Unfortunately and fortunately, there is an entire community of guys just like you who get your world. And here’s the harder part to believe...you are not first or last widower who will survive this pain and one day be able to say, “I’m going to be ok”. You won’t ever be the same, mind you, but you will be ok.
So on this Father’s Day, do what you have to do...pick out the kid’s clothes, take that picture, spend time with family, be present with your kids, and feel all the feelings that come with the day. But know that your life still has massive amounts of purpose and that God has you here for a reason. And if you don’t know where to start with your purpose, I would encourage you to begin with helping your kids learn some of the most important life lessons this season will offer…and you can do it by your example and through your communication.
This isn’t the first hard day as a widower, and it won’t be your last. And even though nothing you learn or experience will make it worth the loss you have experienced. You do have an opportunity to not wast it…to learn from it and to become a person who is unmistakenly refined by the fires and trials you have walked through.
For now though, know that you are seen and loved brother! And even though it’s hard…Happy Father’s Day.
